We enjoyed a wonderful dinner together last night in my home. I had purchased two tenderloin (filet mignon) steaks along with 3 fresh jumbo crab legs. Elaina made another tasty salad using Romaine, adding some Feta cheese, and a few other ingredients. Melted butter was perfect with the crab. I was really focusing on my steak and wine, and the crab, and I thought something was different about how the salad tasted. She realized I hadn’t added the Balsamic vinaigrette dressing and chuckled. Much better! I thought she had already added it.
I am still learning from her about the finer wines, and last night’s choice of Black Box Cabernet Sauvignon from a 2008 California batch was really a delicious red wine to go with that steak. I’ve had some wines before, but I never really enjoyed them, partly because I didn’t know how to choose a good one. I always thought the more expensive the cost, the better the wine. Although that may be partially true, I am learning that there is much more to it than that. I’ll enjoy learning this from Elaina, and she will guide me with her vast knowledge and expertise in this area.
I messed up again last night after dinner. I had been thinking about proposing an idea to her as an alternative option for being financially secure and independent. One of the things I always seem to do is analyze a situation, and I’ve been known to do that under very difficult circumstances in my previous line of work. I can go from step 1 to step 300 in a matter of seconds, and in the end, the last step achieves the final result, which in this case, could mean financial security and total independence.
The idea I had been thinking about was Elaina becoming a porn model on a website. It’s not that I have any disrespect for her, or think that she is down to any kind of level of being desperate, or that she has no moral values. None of those things crossed my mind while I was thinking about it or when I said it.
She was not happy with me at all. Emotionally, this had a huge impact on her. I didn’t intend to cause her any harm, and I didn’t want her to be upset. My goal was to put that idea out there, discuss it with her as a friend and a partner, doing it rationally and professionally, and see if there was some way to achieve some sort of reasonable plan that could blend into her life. I guess part of my rationing for even thinking about it had to do with knowing about our separate lifestyle experiences, and then posting things about them here on the internet in an anonymous setting.
The model websites that have a webcam are anonymous, except for the visual piece of seeing the model performing. There are strict rules for the models to follow at one website that I know of in particular. They do not allow models to have any men in the scene, and there cannot be any type of insertion in the public viewing. Anything else is done in a “private room”. When the men follow the model into the private room, the clock begins ticking and every few seconds it will automatically deduct another token from the man’s account. Tokens are purchased for use in these private rooms, but they are also commonly used to simply “tip” the model in the public viewing room. It is this tipping that makes the models the most money. Many of them will do some sort of tease and if she does it right without violating the rules of the website, she can make a ton of money, anonymously in the privacy of her own bedroom from anywhere in the world.
The website will only accept models that are very attractive. Experience shows that the hot women on hot websites will get the most hits, and in this case, the tokens deducted from the man’s account is shared on a percentage basis with the model. 60% goes to the model, which is not the usual and customary amount earned. It is much higher pay, and it helps the models make a living. Some of the more experienced and talented models have been known to make $40,000 per month or more. The money earned is electronically deposited into a bank account of their choice.
The models are required to sign a contract agreement that covers many stipulations, disclosures, rules, conditions and so on. This is typical in the entertainment business. Once the model has been accepted, the company will allow her to download the software and install it on her computer. The software has many features to include the ability to block out specific states, cities, regions, or zip codes from being able to view the model’s profile or her performances. It has a lot of control that provides the kind of anonymity and blocking capabilities that most models are concerned about. They see the value of being a performer in the entertainment business, yet they still want to live their normal lives without any family or friends knowing what they are doing.
These blog sites and what we describe in them are very private. They contain the kind of things that most of us would not want to share with our family or friends because we have a need sometimes to protect that. The anonymous ability of posting things on the internet has grown very quickly and has enabled us to experience our other lifestyles in different ways. It gives us a peace of mind and an outlet.
A public website that shows our image has another consideration that separates the serious from the not so serious, especially when it comes to performing naked or having anything to do with sex, or any type of lifestyle like DD or Bondage and Discipline. For those models that have been successful with their endeavors on this website, they are probably true professionals. A true professional has the ability to separate their profession from their personal life. In other words, you can be an actor and still live a normal life, unless you become a celebrity and have a mass amount of exposure in the media. The website I am referring to is public, but there isn’t anything like the mass exposure that you would expect to find with a “porn star” connected with the adult entertainment industry and XXX rated movies. An experienced model that goes into this area on a professional basis can make a good living, but many of the new models who are exposed to this are either tricked into it or they are desperate to make some money to survive. There are many horror stories, but I am not focusing on what other models have done wrong, I am trying to explain what I was thinking and how it could be achieved if Elaina were open to at least discussing it.
Elaina was not open to discussing it all. She was upset with me for even thinking that she would be open to discussion. She has her own reasons, and I don’t disagree with any of them. She was very concerned that I had been thinking about it, let alone being so bold and stupid by having the nerve to speak to her about it and remove any doubt about what was on my mind, especially since I know what she wants to do with her life because she told me. To her, this was very disturbing that I could be thinking about this kind of stuff after we had only been seeing each other for about 2 weeks, and knowing her values and what she wants to do with her life.
It is difficult for me to explain, but I will try. I think Elaina has great potential to be whatever she wants to be, and do whatever she wants. Yes, she has some very good family and moral values. Yes, both of us have engaged in very private intimate acts. Yes, we both have different backgrounds and are almost 3 decades apart. Yes, we both enjoy our privacy and we both post some of the things we do anonymously here in this blog. We both have two separate lifestyles, so I didn’t think it would be so devastating to discuss another idea that I never really had a chance to finish like I am trying to do with this article. Life has many options to choose from, and it is very short. I think it is possible to enjoy different lifestyles and separate our personal lives with family and friends from our other lifestyles or the professional areas that we may choose to go into. It is possible, but it doesn’t always appeal to everyone and I clearly understand that. However, by discussing it professionally, many of the uncertainties or uneasy feelings can be sifted through and diced apart. That’s how many successful business ideas are developed by first beginning with a brainstorming session that contains multiple ideas, then whittling some of those down to the ones that look like they are attainable with the least effort that also appears to have the greatest chance of success.
Knowing Elaina for the short period of time that I have, I know what she wants to do with her life. I was only intending to discuss another option by thinking outside the box and brainstorming with her. It backfired, and that’s the way it goes sometimes. I am sure it is very difficult for her to understand me, especially after being in a previous DD relationship for five years. That relationship is still in her mind and she is used to being with someone for many years. What I do and what I may suggest is totally in another world to her AND IS NOT COMPLACENT with the status quo. What this means is that I am always thinking of things to do and enjoy by not being complacent with my life, but I know it must appear to her as though my world is too disturbing in this whole area of anything related to sex or why I say the things I do sometimes. It’s just my personality.
Last week, I suggested Elaina think about being a stand-up comedian. We talked about it and she went along with the idea at first by shopping with me to get a small note pad to keep in her purse or on the nightstand in case she thinks about some potential material and needs to write it down quickly so she won’t forget it. I also suggested a larger notebook that she would eventually use to transfer and store those brief notes with a little more detail. I thought I had her feeling enthusiastic about the whole idea, because she is very smart and has a great sense of humor. But within a matter of hours, all that changed. She adamantly took the position that she didn’t want to do it, and she had her reasons why. I still think she can do it and I see the potential in her. She disagrees, which is her choice. I look at things and expand ideas by brainstorming. There are ways to overcome obstacles of emotions, concerns, fears, anxiety, safety, security, moral values, and the list goes on. Whatever it is that prevents someone from doing something, it is possible to discuss it and perhaps find a reasonable solution that resolves getting around most or all of the obstacles.
Last night, I suggested we write a book together. Her first thought was that it would all be about our differences or arguments. Again, she focused and targeted in on a negative perception and didn’t see the big picture like I did. This blog is an example to her that I recommended we use to exchange our experiences and share them anonymously. It is a true story, and I don’t believe it contains only arguments. What we’ve wrote so far is just the tip of the iceberg and it gets into the nuts and bolts of what we’re both thinking and actually doing. I think it’s far more interesting than fiction.
Elaina has gathered her remaining things in my home and left for work today. She will be busy at least until tomorrow. I will text her to let her know I posted this.
My world and her world are in different solar systems right now, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find a way to make this work. There is a lot of compatibility and we’ve enjoyed much of it. For those few times that I’ve been so insensitive to anticipating her feelings or emotions and the outcome that comes with it, I apologize not for what I was trying to accomplish, but more importantly, what I expected her to do or discuss with me. It is this expectation within my personality that is part of my dominant character. We are beginning to experience second and third level emotions and feelings for each other, and some of these things I have described are getting in the way. They can be considered as red flags on the field, or they can be dealt with another way. I’ve explained I have no intent to cause harm, and I won’t say that again. If it causes harm, it is because Elaina’s emotions perceive it that way, which in turn causes a reaction. Emotions govern reactions. Reactions can get out of hand and are the cause of many complicated problems to include rash decisions. I am not emotional like this, yet I am sensitive to how someone else reacts to my intent. If my intent was to cause a heated argument and really get into it, I would expect anyone to pick up on those signals and engage me. If that was not my intent, then it bothers me. It is healthy and OK to disagree on something. We don’t always have to agree. I just don’t have a lot of time left in my life and grow impatient with each day that I feel was a partial loss. One “awe shit” has the ability to erase 1,000 “atta-boys”. To me, that concept can be dealt with while you’re young and have decades to live to tweak and develop things. I don’t have decades to live and want to move forward. Elaina has the option of working with me on this, or leaving me. She will have to make that choice. I don’t expect her to make a choice while she is experiencing emotional feelings and know that she is smart enough to digest what she may be experiencing.
I have been thinking about coming up with a set of structured yet reasonable expectations, rules and conditions for her to follow in a DD relationship. It won’t be a live-in relationship like she has been accustomed to until we both feel we are ready for that level. I want to incorporate more of my lifestyle into hers. I want her to understand my intent and trust me. Part of that means being more open, think outside the box, and not just try new things…..do them. It’s a way out of a rut and can bring enrichment to her life that she so desperately needs right now. I am not saying that she needs to be that model, I am just saying that there are so many other things that I want to mentor her with that could end up in a better life for her. That is my nature to always want to help and develop something. Success with anything depends on what you put into it. I am looking for total submission and control and see the potential in Elaina to adapt. She will no doubt have a difficult time with it, but it is for her own good.
Within a matter of a few more years, I will be an outdated fossil that may not be able to keep up with her. I don’t want to hold her back because that would be selfish. I am not jealous or controlling with regard to what she wants to do with her private life. I am not opposed to her dating other men because of our age difference or other compatibility issues. I also know that she doesn’t think this way and wants to be in one relationship only. She is a very sincere and highly respected woman in my book, and my intent is to provide the leadership role in this relationship we have and do it for her benefit. While I will enjoy being in that relationship if it is working, I still want her to realize that I am being realistic and understand what she may want to do or need to do if she so desires. I just don’t want to waste any time in getting there.
In closing, I don’t believe a real relationship can be developed by limiting sexual intimacy because it doesn’t do anything for the one who is doing it or it is taking too long to achieve the intent of that intimacy. Love doesn’t have to be a necessary element to have sex, even though it is an emotional and intimate experience. Sex and discipline are two separate things in the DD lifestyle. In my world, they can be combined. And in either case, just the sex itself must be felt like a real connection with intense chemistry between two partners that is best described as animal instinct. There doesn’t have to be feelings of love in order to take care of a normal hormone reaction. Just knowing that your partner wants you to experience a certain level of frustration and intensity is in itself, very powerful. Controlling that intensity is a very important part of the experience. It needs to last, and it has to be repeated over and over again right to the edge. This is what separates partners if it isn’t done right. K.
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